Posted by: by surrender4love on March 12, 2008 @ 9:00 pm

I am a Masochist and it’s not just a personal kink, though that maybe what some people believe. Sure, I get sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain but being masochistic is also defined as a having a taste for suffering. I like that phrasing… “a taste for suffering”. Not my definition, so if that doesn’t fit into anyone’s personal view of the topic take a grievance up with Webster’s dictionary. Masochist behavior is also defined as taking pleasure in being abused or dominated, again Webster’s terms not mine… but I’ll admit that I agree.

Personally, for me being submissive and masochistic go hand in hand and it’s not always from a sexual pint of view. As an example, I’ll point to a moment when Conquer4love comes in the door at the end of the day, he may grab the hair at the back of my neck just to do it and that action does play apart in getting me excited sexually but it more so plays a part in it just being a physical act that reinforces his dominance over me and my submissiveness to him. The tighter or rougher he grabs at me the greater the pleasure I get from it both emotional and physically.

Pain in and of itself differs from one person to the next but for all humans it is part of our nervous system. A part in which, that is mixed in with our emotional responses as a direct connection to the physical body. Pain and what we perceive to be painful is a response, not a cause in our body. Lame example: for some a paper cut is a horrible annoying pain, while for other’s the cut may not even be noticed until someone else points it out to them. So, what I am saying here is that pain is individualistic and subjective.

At the start of play, there are moments that I am afraid. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle being whipped. Can I withstand the pain? Then he whips me. The first sensations I get start from the point of the leather hitting my skin and then it spreads, the pain radiates through my body like a pebble skipping over water. It’s the ripple effect, if you will, of the sensation as it travels through me and while one part of my brain says, “Hey, this hurts!” another part of my brain says, “Yes, it hurts… whip me again.”

Masochism for me is about being at one with my body, about being grounded in a reality that cannot be escaped. Now, there are some people who look at it as being a means to escape the day-to-day but for me it just doesn’t work that way. When pain is introduced to my body, I don’t want to learn how to tune it out. I don’t want to go beyond my body, to leave it and there by leave the sensations behind… I spent most of my youth escaping my body and now as an adult I want to feel all that I can and I want to be aware of it. For me, having OBE is not the goal, as I can do that at anytime I want, when Conquer4love inflicts pain for me I don’t want to miss a precious second of the sensation.

~~surrender4love~~

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