submissive journal: September 2nd 2008
I miss my journal. This past week has been really hard on me and without having the time to explore, express and then discuss things with Daddy… well, it had me feeling like a walking shadow when no direct contact was made.
I’m one of those people who needs a moment to separate what I am doing, such as cleaning or cooking or sewing and actually open my mind up not to what needs to be done but being able to just think about something other than what needs to be done. My day to day life revolves around what I need to do and what Daddy expects of me not what I want to do or what my thoughts are on certain things. Because my mind travels over things at a rapid pace, if I do not focus on what needs to be done then things do not get done and I end up in a spiral of jumping thoughts and actions.
This past week I have felt an intense pressure when Daddy would ask me what’s on my mind. After both of us having long days by the time that we got to the point of talking I couldn’t answer with anything other than “nothing”. Sure there were plenty of things that popped up now and then but when I had a thought or a feeling, I’ve had to hold it in unless it would not be held back and then if I did have an emotional surge I had to resolve it on my own this past week, which was hard to do but I managed to do it. And I guess that is the bottom of it, along with missing the journal… I’ve felt alone this past week and have felt like I was just an inconvenience unless he wanted or needed me for something.
Now, I know this is not the case and I no longer feel that way. It’s just what I went through last week.
Daddy wants me start doing an online journal everyday in addition to the hard copy one. Keep in mind that not all the interesting bits will be revealed as we are in the proverbial “bondage closet” but the juicy bits will be shared with you all here.
~surrender4love
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