Alberto Vargas, 1962

Being a submissive female, sometimes those things that as a woman you need to develop on your own gets tested when you become owned. Wanting to give yourself over to a Master/Daddy/Dom/Switch or whatever you call them is a need but it’s not something that you can do unless you spend the time getting to know who you are first.

So, what happens when you take your own self worth that took years cultivating and nurturing and put it all in someone else’s hands?

Honestly, you lose yourself but not in a bad way. Losing yourself in a consensual, long term TPE is not the same as a vanilla relationship. I do want to stress though, that there is one thing that is the same and that is you cannot expect your significant other to change who you are on the inside. You cannot expect someone else to “save” you or give you a sense of self worth if you never had one to begin with. You cannot expect someone else to stop you from being yourself.

One of my main issues as a submissive female is putting others before myself and it is often to my own detriment. I know I do it and with certain people I try not to let it happen as badly but in the end I will sacrifice taking care of myself in lieu of making sure others are cared for. In general I’ll just basically let myself become worn down. I feel selfish and guilty when I take anytime to do anything for myself and that has become more so the case since entering into a 24/7TPE.  I literally lose myself to other people and have a bad habit of letting that take over my self worth.

So, losing myself to others in general is not a healthy way to live. The difference is that with Daddy  losing myself to him  is healthy because under his control he will protect me from losing myself to other people. (Notice I said protect and not force. You cannot take an orange and force it to be an apple) He monitors me and those around me and pulls me in when he sees the need to do so. With Daddy, I have someone who will not change me but who will help me help myself. In essence, losing myself to him is more like being found than lost.

I lose myself to him because I choose to, because I trust in him as a Daddy and as a person.  I lose myself into his dominance, his protection, his nurturing and his love in wanting not just the best for himself but in him wanting the best for me as well.

~surrender4love~

With my lips,
I will kiss away the fears that have grown within you and the kiss away the tears that have never and will never be shed.

With my ears,
I will hear all of the words that you cannot always say and I will listen to you when you have no words at all.

With my arms,
I will hold you close to me for all of the times in your life that you should have been held but were not.

With my heart and soul,
I will love you just as you are and will love you who become through the years… just as you were always meant to be loved.

“mo anam chara, mo chroí”

Your babygirl,
surrender4love

How do I personally ask Daddy for forgiveness? Well, to be completely honest I do not ask Daddy for forgiveness. I apologize for my actions and convey how I understand what I did wrong but I don’t just come out and ask for forgiveness.

What I am about to say here may very well anger a lot of people but it is my personal view of things. I feel that when someone comes out verbally asking anyone for forgiveness that they are choosing to try and force the other person’s feelings on the issue. I do not feel it is my place, nor have I ever felt it was my place to influence someone else’s feelings in order to make myself feel better either from what I have done or from what I have not done. I see the act of asking for forgiveness as a form if human manipulation.

When I have done something stupid or if I break one of Daddy’s rules I do not then ask for his forgiveness. If he is not home, then I contact him and tell him what I have done. If I am sorry for what I have done then I say so; same thing applies for when he is at home. What he chooses to do about the situation based on his own feelings is created within him. I do not try to influence his choice or how he feels about the matter by either asking for forgiveness or trying to lay on a guilt trip to ease the punishment from my own actions.

I am human and I make mistakes but I also take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions. If a punishment is to come, as it always is when I make a mistake, I take the punishment that Daddy chooses because it was my own actions that caused him to have to punish me in the first place.

~surrender4love

At the core of what makes me who I am is creativity. Being creative has allowed me to fill the void of what I feel is missing inside of myself. There is a problem with that part of me now and I am trying to resolve it so that both my creative free spirit side and submissive side mesh.

For me using creativity has always been an outlet, whether it has been through dance, drama, art, literature or just plain crafting it has always been something that I just did whenever I wanted to. I never put my creativity on a schedule. If I was struck by inspiration at two in the morning then I got up and created. If I was in the throws of creating something and consumed by it then I’d go hours with no food or sleep because I was in the frenzy of creation.

Now though, I have a schedule and have seemed to have set creativity for myself aside and have tried to find ways in which to be creative for the benefit of Daddy and our family. And I do have plenty of inspiration from them but I have found that when I just sit down to draw or write it takes me a bit to get into the act of creating when it is not an act of service.

So, the question for me is: How do I retain my snazzy creative goodness while getting deeper into my submission?

~surrender4love

Surprisingly, I am finding that I am feeling more accepting of my submissive side given the ideal of a little creative freedom. I am not sure why that is but I will look into the causes and such for tomorrow’s entry.

~~surrender4love

I’m one of those people who needs a moment to separate what I am doing, such as cleaning or cooking or sewing and actually open my mind up not to what needs to be done but being able to just think about something other than what needs to be done. My day to day life revolves around what I need to do and what Daddy expects of me not what I want to do or what my thoughts are on certain things. Because my mind travels over things at a rapid pace, if I do not focus on what needs to be done then things do not get done and I end up in a spiral of jumping thoughts and actions.

This past week I have felt an intense pressure when Daddy would ask me what’s on my mind. After both of us having long days by the time that we got to the point of talking I couldn’t answer with anything other than “nothing”. Sure there were plenty of things that popped up now and then but when I had a thought or a feeling, I’ve had to hold it in unless it would not be held back and then if I did have an emotional surge I had to resolve it on my own this past week, which was hard to do but I managed to do it. And I guess that is the bottom of it, along with missing the journal… I’ve felt alone this past week and have felt like I was just an inconvenience unless he wanted or needed me for something.

Now, I know this is not the case and I no longer feel that way. It’s just what I went through last week.

Daddy wants me start doing an online journal everyday in addition to the hard copy one. Keep in mind that not all the interesting bits will be revealed as we are in the proverbial “bondage closet” but the juicy bits will be shared with you all here.

~surrender4love

Living there we had Daddy, me and three other women. We lived communally as sisters all under Daddy’s control. One woman was named Anna and she had blond hair, another woman had red hair and I do not remember her name, while the last woman had a rainbow type thing going on with her hair and it was like that because Daddy was making her grow it out and wouldn’t let her dye it anymore. We grew our own food, lived by a fresh water creek and had a small barn with a cow, pigs and chickens. We all worked together to live off the land and to live in harmony with the nature that surrounded us.

I noticed that there were two owls there. One when I went into the main bedroom yurt to grab something and one perched in the kitchen. I also notice that there were three ravens there that hopped around while tending to the herb garden.

Many of the details, I do not remember now. What I do remember was a very peaceful sense of community within our little group and a feeling of comfort that this was my family. I am not sure where all this has come from but I think that it may be in part from being a Pagan, a poly and Daddy’s baby girl. I’ve also been fortunate to attend Pagan gatherings for weeks at a time where we all created our own little community for the time that we had there.

I do not know if such a thing is possible in this day and age. I do wish it was, though. As I see the loss of being part of a community, now matter how small or large is a problem that sends many people looking in the wrong direction trying to fill that need.

~surrender4love

What happened inside, what I felt is beyond words for me. I felt, yes. I felt more than I ever have in my life with my body exploding in different directions all at the same time. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. I had no control over the movement of my body at all. I was in his complete control.

And all I can think of now…is to hope that I am enough of a good girl to do it again.

~surrender4love

Three things that I have always been that will not be changing: Pagan, Poly and Submissive. Those are three cornerstones that make up my personality and my existence.

I was raised as a Pagan and I have never been anything else. Being Pagan, gives me the understanding that as women we are not as our modern society wants to create us to be. We are all beautiful and a part of the world just as we are a part of each other. Women can enhance one another, support one another in ways that men cannot. I see all women as being apart of one another; what I do not see is the need to be made or manipulated into being something that we are not. For example, women do not naturally look like Barbie and we should not be thrown (or throw ourselves) into some societal pseudo-competition in order to look that way. We are all different shapes, weights and colors and that in itself is truly beautiful. You don’t see an Oak tree getting all upset because a willow bends more in the wind because it’s thinner… modern female competition is unneeded, unnatural and unfounded.

Being ploy, I understand that it is possible for adults to have more than one loving relationship at a time. I feel that it is when we separate that love and compartmentalize it, is when people run into issues. The reason, I feel that many relationships fail is because one partner will try to keep two separate partners running at the same time… this separation does not allow for a relationship to flow. A relationship between two people is enhanced by becoming a relationship between three people or more. Human beings enhance one another on a natural basis. Plus, there is that added bonus of more people… more kink but I think that with the nature of this site that’s subject is implied.

As a submissive, I have a drive to please and a high level of vulnerability. Having a submissive sister added to our relationship would enhance both our submissive natures and Daddy’s dominance. In regards to this aspect, it really is that simply stated because I view it as a simple subject. Should we find that elusive woman to add to our relationship, she would have to be submissive and be open to having a DaddyDom.

Now, when I label having a woman join us for the long term as a sister it is because that is what is being looked for. Sure, I want to have another submissive to enjoy and to share with Daddy. Someone to be tied up with me and someone who can pleasure Daddy and myself as well, while being pleasured themselves. I also want someone to have a conversation with. Someone who is a woman in her own right because that for me is what makes the experience in the sexual side of things that much greater. Someone who understands an artistic submissive temperament and someone who wants a DaddyDom. Someone who wants to be trapped but isn’t trapped by the Christianized and societal standard of what a woman is.

~surrender4love
daddy’s baby girl

Last night, we did our first forced rape scene. He told me to fight him and I did. He was aggressive and overbearing, mean and just in the mind set of taking it; which he did. I gave him a hard time of it. With one hand I kept squirming out of the rope, using the strength of my legs to keep moving away and trying to force my legs together. Had we been in an area in which we could have gone all out the rape and fighting would have been much more violent.

What I found the most interesting was the heat and excitement that came into play during the rape. The fighting made me wetter than I thought I would be and even with what I have been through before, there was no emotional pain. At no point during the rape did I have any emotional flash backs or fear of the previous rape experience that I have had. I found that interesting only because, as a woman I fully expected to freak out during the scene. I expected the fear, the anger and the shame but it never came. I endure more shame from having him watch me use the restroom.

Why there was no prior rape residual, I do not know. I can’t explain it at all. I am glad for it though and the possibility of being able to go all out and get more violent with a scene excites me to no end. Actually, I have been excited all day. Stuck with a constant, growing wetness between my legs knowing that he has that power to take what he wants when he wants from me. Not just because it has been given to him to take but because in a real life non-relationship situation, I now know that there would be no way I could ever over power him.

Knowing that BloodLustDaddy is that powerful both in mind and body… well, it just makes me want to submit to him in ways that go beyond what I can physically perform now.

~~surrender4love~~